I have an appointment to see a doctor today. I think he’s going to tell me whether or not if I have depression. It might sound silly to anyone else but I am actually really scared, but you might not know the feeling I guess. Even on the phone, I was so nervous. The woman asked me what my symptoms were and I just didn’t know what to say, I kept stuttering like an idiot and I just felt embarrassed, I’m just so nervous to hear what the doctor will have to say or what anyone thinks. It’s strange, in a way I want him to tell me that I do have it, not because I want depression, I don’t, but I just want closure. I want to be able to say why I am the way I am, something to blame it all on. That might sound selfish but I don’t know, I don’t even know what I’m going to say. I just want to know now because I’m sick of suffering in silence, no one really knows what I’m like when I’m alone, I scare myself sometimes with the thoughts in my head. I just feel like I’m all alone with this, I just want someone to hold me, tell me it will all be okay but I don’t want to put this on anyone else. I just want to be normal.

I need to stop neglecting tumblr, every time I come back online for weeks its changed slightly